dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
