I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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