I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
