I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
