The maid of honor just puked.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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