so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
