Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
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i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
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I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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