I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
