when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Redeem this text for a blowjob
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Randomize
