I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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