Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Randomize
