can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
