I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
