i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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