Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
