woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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