Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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