i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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