so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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