the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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