Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
