I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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