You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
