Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
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Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Drunk is a universal language darling
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