finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
