New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
