Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
