Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
