How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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