I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Alive.
So much puke
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
