I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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