White coat. Heels.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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