I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
