I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
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