is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
