I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
4 words: hood of his car
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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