I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
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Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
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Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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