I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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