I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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