Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
My breath smells like gin and sadness
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
