I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
where are my eyebrows?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
