Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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