Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
