So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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