There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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