Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
These tits shall not be calmed
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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