White coat. Heels.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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