meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
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after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
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She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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