I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
