Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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