The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
