Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
