I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
this beer tastes like vomit already
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
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I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
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Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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