Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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