the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
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Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
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The feeling are messing with the penis
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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