So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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