My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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