My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
