Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
