Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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